Not that I know what comes after that. I have recently become aware that I am most likely AS. I had few problems in my 31 year career at one company and was even able to complete my Masters Degree late in my life. My problem with this article is that it strongly suggests that the only way to learn is by going to a Professional Therapist. To do that seems like I will need a formal diagnosis and other sites I have looked at suggest that may not be the best route for me given my age and position in life.
After the death of my first wife, I met and married a really nice woman. We had the typical AS courtship and after 4 years have discovered my AS issues t be a problem in the relationship. I love her very much and want to learn about how to live with this woman and provide for her emotional needs, but do not do well at remembering what I read or listen to with regards to dealing with my AS tendencies.
So what is the suggested best course of action for me to follow. Is there anyone out there like me? I really care for him as a person and want to take things further. Any advice on how to proceed? Do I need to be the one to initiate things? Do I need to be more revealing in my feelings?
My older brother shows classic signs of Aspergers — very socially inept and has difficulty holding down a job. He is currently unemployed and has been taken care of by my parents both have now passed away.
He constantly blames the world for his problems — thinks the world is out to get him, when in reality, it seems he sabotages himself and makes downright stupid decisions. Recently, the state was going to pay for him to go to Truck Driving School and right before the class when my oldest brother sent him some money to live off of, he bought some pot and smoked a joint so he failed the drug test and got kicked out of the school.
I think he self-medicates — he also has been diagnosed with Manic Depression and Bi-polar. He is very upset about the dog as it was his only companion and friend. He is currently being seen by an Army Psychologist as he is a veteran. I would like to write his doctor and let him know of my suspicions and of the strong family history of Aspergers.
Do you recommend I do this or do I just forget about it? We are fearful that my brother may one day take his own life or worse — become a mass shooter because he is ticked off at someone. If you have any suggestions, articles or resources we could use to help our brother, we would greatly appreciate it. Now I know why I've felt insecure for most of my marriage I always initiated any intimacy. He's told me less than 10 times in 15 years that he loves me. We have 2 children; otherwise I would have left sooner.
Now that I have moved out, I find myself reading more about AS. Part of me feels sorry for my husband, the other half feels relieved I'm so exhausted, mentally and physically. I also noticed that every time I made a comment, his response had nothing to do with what I had just said He has no emotions and it's frightening??
I would like to join a support group as well He denies to this day that he has done anything wrong and the problem is that the people around him have simply enabled his behavior. He is a high achieving professional but lacked the capacity to understanding that his actions and words were deeply damaging. If someone told me they had Aspergers now. I would run in the opposite direction. If he does have Asperger's, it could explain his infuriating behavior.
But will that make it any easier to live with? We have a long history. Deep down I know we love each other. But unless something changes I will lose my mind.
The only social problems I have are a result of previous social individuality, plus all the other teenagers I know seem like idiots. So to answer your question, there are cases you can recover from aspergers, but it really depends on the will of the person. Now so much of his personality and so much of what we went through in our marriage makes sense, like pieces of a puzzle coming together.
Thank you for posting your article! I took a job I didn't want driving truck because I knew in my heart that he would never go it alone. As much as the AS person is a loner many times they work best with someone else by their side, and heaven knows I was an enabler the fist yrs of our marriage. We only know he has AS because our grandson, who is just like him was diagnosed 7 yrs ago.
Thank God he has been able to get the social training he needs to help in adulthood. My husband just doesn't get or want to get the fact that he has caused me great sorrow and I am wondering after all these yrs if I can continue. I too know, it's not his fault but I also know it's not my fault and I don't want to end up not giving a da-n about the father of my children. God I need someone to vent to once in a while.
I love him dearly and know he is a good person and has love in him. Even so, I feel isolated and totally exhausted from the continual effort at what often feels like a one sided relationship.
No one believes me! I was married for 6 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the picture.. I am shocked but now things make sense. I feel like the only real adult in the marriage and do everything for him. He is VERY nice though and high functioning and well liked because he never argues with anybody. His main emotion is happy all the time, even during a crisis.
It is totally exhausting and very sad for me. He does not get sad so he is okay all the time. We are in counseling, but even the counselor wants me to be positive. There are no support groups for Asp. Good luck to all of us.: There are traits which I'll never be rid of.
The bottom line is aspies mature just like NTs maybe not the same way or at the same pace. Im a fully functioning adult today, drive, go to work, and someday plan on supporting a family. I realize once on the spectrum always on the spectrum however.
Despite me apologizing for my frustrated outburst to him The more he said nothing, the more I tried to get a reaction, as even after eight months, I still had had no signs to show me that he cared. He knows he is dyslexic, but I think has no idea he is Asperger.
Mind you, I didn't know either! I was told that he was very shy. Last November, when his ex wife, who left him 3 years before,found out that he was dating me, did an attempted suicide and a rape allegation when she was She drove him mad with text messages for six months, which made him understandably stressed. I became very wobbly and fearful that they may get back together, as I had fallen in love with him I am 61 and have 25 year old twins who I have raised on my own since they were four.
So you can glean that falling for this man was a momentous occasion for me! I have just phoned him, and told him I think we had a big misunderstanding, that I had no intention of splitting up with him, I apologized yet again for my outburst of frustration, and said I'd like to think that we could forgive each other. That everyone has misunderstandings,and you need to communicate. I said I would like to see him again At no stage did he ask me how I was or say he was sorry too or that he missed me.
He did keep lapsing into conversation about what was happening in his life and did not return to the talk we were having. I got off the phone and thought wow this is one hard nut to crack!!
You said you may be able to help. I am wondering if this is just way too hard to get myself back into But like in your e book you say how boyish and honestly naive and loyal, intelligent and handsome Boy is this ever confusing I find it so hard to know what to do. I would love your advice! Give it a little time. I'm not sure how long you've been together, but your changes may not seem genuine yet.
My husband wasn't at all self-absorbed and emotionally distant while dating and through our engagement. The day after the wedding, I didn't recognize the man I married.
It took 20 years to figure out what was going on. I'm so glad that there is more information about undiagnosed Aspies now. Hopefully more support for adults and their partners will follow soon. I commend you for the changes you're making.
We NT wives all have very similar stories to tell. She will appreciate your efforts and will reciprocate when she feels a little more secure.
And, yes, it is a sick society I just wish we knew about it. Not knowing caused a lot of hurt and confusion for both of us. That changed dramatically during my 20s - around I was very social, had close friends, went out partying, met new people. I guess the fact that I was at university at that time made it easier. I kept a lot of my traits, though, and needed a lot of time on my own to relax, but still I was able to live an almost normal social life with my peers. At a certain point I just had understood how to fit in.
They are a great group of ladies married to AS. Some are trying to make it work, others are trying to make divorce work. They helped me gain a lot of clarity. However, I recommend anyone who joins to use a new and secret email and a pseudonym to protect yourself from husband cyber stalking and protect the security of the group, as this has been an issue.
However, a lot can be dealt with through education. Example, learning about metaphors will help someone take things less literally when needed, as you learn to recognize common phrases. Not only that, but learning something like logic will help you infer when something is a metaphor and something is literal.
If you know that you're not good at learning through lectures, you can tailor your education to suit your needs I am treated like an idiot when someone demonstrates, but give me a manual and I'm fine, usually, depending on the quality of the instructions. Sensory issues, etc, are probably more permanant, but your best bet is always education.
A lot of guys do. I am not trying to be a perv here its just that not all straight men are into the hollywood standard of what is attractive in women. I have aspergers and I have gotten in trouble for telling women they are not skinny but I mean it as sort of a compliment because I don't consider skinny to be beautiful.
That is just a regular part of growing up that everyone goes through e. NTs outgrow juvenile expressions of NTism. But as I engage in the adult social world with its expectations for employment, socializing, etc.
I adapt in more contemporary ways. Truth be told, tho, I do indulge in some older behaviors when I am alone.
At first didn't know why he's so aloof and emotional at the same time and it was really confusing. He can get really agrrasive when playing games rule boy and totally into any debates in the most defending manners I'm Chinese and he's English, I first thought it's cultural and language differences. Only by chance read something about ASD and got goosebums cause it's matching most of my husband's behaviour.
I got to a stage where I have to 'explain' openly and bluntly to our daughter - on every 'odd' behaviour that he display just in case she thinks that is normal.
Because I starting to notice she not using the eye contact and begins to ignore people. I'm feeling really exhuarsted and lonely: We met 2 years ago. Good friends for 1. Roommates while platonic but it was getting intense.
He has said "I love you" and "I love you, too" to me about times on chat, in person, in bed, via texts. We've slept together and had sex he was a very sweet and generous giver of pleasure at least 10 times and even traveled this summer together on vacation.
When I tried to have the "relationship" conversation and discuss how to accept our friendship growing into being lovers, he told me could never be my lover or boyfriend, only my friend with benefits and then he stated he only said "I love you" or "I love you, too" or "xoxoxoxoxoxoxo" to me because it was socially acceptable and he doesn't even know what love is.
He said he cared for me but only as a friend and he isn't willing to categorize. It's been weeks of hell for me. Pre-diagnosis, it was often difficult for either of us to make sense of many of the things that he did. His diagnosis gave him a new way to understand himself and gave me the necessary information to try to support him with his challenges.
We have also been able to begin to change our expectations of how our relationship can be successful. It was a very difficult time emotionally for us both but we found some support online - services for adults in the UK are very few and far between. Sharing helps - so a big "thanks" to Karen and your ex for being brave enough to tell your story to the public.
Doing so might save many more marriages. I could not deal with it but it was mostly because of my own personality. I am extremely outgoing and very much a people person. I thrive on volunteering, being with friends, etc. My ex did not and got upset if I wasn't at home with him. I am also highly kinesthetic I process through my feelings and emotions more than through visual or audio clues. Many Asperger's tend to 'lack affect'--not show emotions very well and tend to not be as affectionate.
I am the opposite so on the whole we were just a bad match. Everyone is different however. Some 'normal' heck who is really normal? I mean non-asperger's people here people are naturally not so outgoing or strong people-persons. Some tend to not be as emotional. Some don't like as much affection. There are plenty of those out there who CAN deal with the aspects of asperger's. I think it is also easier if you are a woman.
It has been said that Asperger's is like being overly male. That on a spectrum men tend to be a little further away from social, etc. So the average man is sort of a bit closer to the asperger part of the spectrum than the average woman--making it a bit easier for a asperger woman to find a man than an asperger man find a women. The thing is, humans are all over the spectrum in every trait.
There probably is someone out there for everyone--probably several someones to be honest. It may be a bit harder if someone is farther towards one end of the spectrum or the other, but it is quite possible. He has a lot to learn in the social department. Luckily, he likes to be physical and that is a plus for our marriage i actually told him I can't marry him unless we have sex at least 3x's a week ;o haha Yes, I'm a woman!
LOL He is not very romantic but he has allowed me to open some doors and travel places I don't think he would have without me. He has been more flexible and so I believe the balance has helped him. I insist on Intimacy. Luckily, this is not uncomfortable with him. The biggest problem is him being a work horse and "shutting him down" almost like a computer FROM the computer and him learning to "realize" that it's "too much" He needs to check in to Life, the kids, me Things he once felt was important and still does I guess it's the transition.
I know he loves me and the kids. He's just a bit "impulsive" and so that sometimes makes me worried that it will ruin our marriage. We've been married for 10 happy years though and I feel we both compliment each other, though I'm not on the Spectrum. I love that he's a very logical thinker and he is more involved with the kids activities than most men. He also is not into sports so that frees up some time for the family.
It is stressful and I am exhausted. The groups I've tried to join basically say the same thing: Be positive, accept him, it's not his fault. I'm not a good wife for not "enduring". I really do-but I am losing it. Neil can be charming and witty, but he also tends to be callous, selfish, and detached. When my kids were young I focused on them so my husband's indifference didn't bother me. But now that they're gone he's really driving me crazy.
Not diagnosed, but he recognizes it in himself, and we have an Aspie grandson, as well as an autistic granddaughter. Their mother also has certain Aspie traits. Our marriage was torture for me for almost 30 years. We actually got back together about a year later because we do really love each other, but it took some really brutally honest sessions to work past things.
He was shocked to learn how hurtful he had been, in spite of my trying to communicate this for years. He was finally ready to listen after the divorce. We haven't remarried, mostly due to his horrible financial management. I refuse to be tied to his debts. All that being said, one key for us has been just accepting each other as we are. I no longer expect him to come to concerts with me, so there is no disappointment when he won't. I understand his tendency to be a hermit.
I have learned to make my own life and enjoy what we can together at the same time and to be content with that. It has been difficult - I'm a very tactile person and that deficiency in the relationship has bee very painful to me.
The confrontations surrounding the divorce ended the verbal abuse, and my advice to those who suffer it is to be very direct in saying that they are being mean and hurtful.
You newd to refuse to listen to it. Get the positive strokes you need from friends and family - they aren't likely to come from your spouse very often if at all. After all these years, I can now say that I am content, and often happy in the relationship. It isn't everything I dreamed or even needed, but it works. I have never been able to like myself. I have never cared about my appearance, having long ago decided that I was ugly and unattractive anyway and that grooming and clothes would make no difference to the obvious.
The subtleties of courtship are unfamiliar and sometimes inappropriate physical contact results. Social Interaction— Grown-ups with Aspergers may have difficulty interacting in social groups.
For example, they may choose inappropriate topics to discuss in a group setting or find making small talk difficult or even annoying. As they tend to be literal thinkers, they may have trouble understanding social metaphors, teasing or irony. They may lack empathy or find it hard to relate to other people. Some adults with Aspergers have anger management problems and may lash out in a social setting without regard to another's feelings.
They may report feeling detached from the world and having trouble finding and maintaining relationships. An individual with the syndrome lacks the ability to display appropriate non-verbal behaviors, such as eye contact, facial expressions, body postures and gestures.
He may have difficulties in initiating and maintaining friendships because of inappropriate social behaviors. He may appear rude or obnoxious to others and at times is left out of social encounters. Unlike adults with autism, who withdraw from other people, adults with Aspergers often want to fit in but don't know how.
The inability to "read" other people's social signals or to display empathy for other's problems leads to awkward social encounters. Speech Patterns— Another feature of Aspergers is impaired speech.
The individual with this syndrome may speak in a monotone voice or may speak too loudly and out of place. He may interpret everyday phrases literally. The commonly used phrase "break a leg" will be taken literally to injure one's self.
Subtle humor or sarcasm may not be understood or may be misinterpreted. Some individuals display highly developed vocabulary, often sounding overly formal and stilted.
Stereotypical Behavior— Grown-ups with this syndrome often are preoccupied with something to the extreme level.
For example, if an individual with Aspergers likes football that is all he will talk about--all the time and with everyone. These individuals are also often obsessed with parts of objects. On another note, grown-ups with Aspergers need routines to help them function.
They do not like changes in routines, and find them difficult. Other stereotypical behavior in which they engage is body movements; they often flap their hands or fingers, or make complex body movements. Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance.
In many of our cases we did not nor did they. It is a relatively new and ever expanding diagnosis and understanding and every case is slightly different. The things that drew me like a magnet to my husband were and still are the things that make him special. I am no slouch and at the time of meeting my husband I was dating several college young men and they pailed in comparison to his whit, intellect and attention to detail.
I was also very glad he was not so stuck on himself like many of the people I was dating. I still am intrigued by his ability to comprehend complex thoughts and frankly living with a "normal" person must be quite boring.
Marriage is a 2 way street but not every street has level surfaces and some roads have bumps and pot holes. I am not saying that life is easy living with a spouse with AS but it could be much worse. We have never been without a home, vehicles, jobs, or our needs met.
He works hard to provide for his family and himself. He knows his limitations but also knows that he can try and make up for it in other ways. Keep researching and trying to find out if a life with your spouse is right for you. Not everyone can be the strong one or the one who has t take care of the finer details of life. But, be encouraged, at least you now know what is going on and can take whatever steps you both desire to achieve your outcome. Pregnancy was not a big deal for my ASH either.
On the good side, It was all about me smile emoticon And I took care of the children by myself and in my younger years I was resentful but when we had our son I actually was thankful. My children have wonderful memories I made for them. We had bonding time that was ours and ours alone and that is okay by me. One good thing is they take things literally. You can say exactly what you need.
If I want to celebrate a holiday, I say, "it is important to me to celebrate. I want,,," and say specifically what I want, go out to dinner, gift, party, etc. I had a significant birthday last year. I got exactly what I asked for, like a hand written love note at least 3 sentences. I finally got over having my house look a certain way. When I want it neat for more than a few minutes and get frustrated, I have to stop and think of all the things I love about him.
We separated for about 9 months. It really helped us both see what was important, and he realized that making a habit of a few chores was important to me. It allows him the emotional and mental space he needs to absorb the information and takes away the feelings of frustration that usually arise for me when I can't seem to get through to him. Three years later and two kids later im so burnt out.
All advice is for how the NT partner should walk on eggshells. Where are the articles and advice for the work the aspie partner has to do? He is not the orderly type of AS, but a really messy one. He just does not notice what needs to be done, because it is not important to him. I do have to state what I feel is the obvious, like please take out the trash, because it really does not bother him if it's setting in his path and he has to walk over it or around it.
The constant reminding, which I feel is nagging, gets really old to me. I feel like I am the only responsible one a lot, although less than I used to feel. On the other hand, my husband is very honest and communicative. He does not like tension between us, so he makes sure that we are good and I am not upset with him.
We have been married for 21 years and he has matured greatly. I have to say that at the time I married him, AS was not a term, he was just quirky. My friends and family were slow to warm to him, and he to them, so sometimes that was uncomfortable for me, too.
He is much more social than he used to be. He has more of a sensor now, so he doesn't blurt out intimate details of our life to everybody anymore, which is nice. He has really great friends and is a really great friend. If you are his friend, he will be your friend for life. He is maybe the most caring individual I have ever met. I have to say that our first 5 years were very trying at times, but I had to change my mindset that an argument wasn't about winning, but it was about understanding where the other person is at.
I guess we have both really matured over these years. Now we are parenting two kids, one with AS and the other NT. I am so glad that he is my partner for this ride because he really gets our AS child and is such a great dad to both of our children. It explains everything of the past three years. Truthfully, it has been terrible. He did enough at the beginning, and then switched off once I got pregnant. He's blowing off going to therapy of any kind.
Thats what gets me most angry. He needs to try. What I liked about him at the beginning was like an illusion. God bless you for the good work that you are doing.
My son is 12 and a half. Before the book, he would have anger and aggression issues. He would go into his own world and block everyone completely out.
He would not listen. He would stare completely right through you as if you were not even there. He would freak out and basically have like a temper tantrum. It was a severe temper tantrum like you were dealing with a two year old—like a terrible twos. You are afraid to go to family functions. After the book he no longer has any meltdowns.
I immediately started implementing things and the way that I handled things and I started focusing on all of the positives in his life.
Then around family he is fine because now the family understands because I have explained the situation with them. And the information on support groups. I know you want your loved one to achieve those dreams.
I read through website after website trying to track down answers. I searched for reasons, guidance, even just someone to talk to. And certainly nothing that told me how to help a loved one cope with Aspergers. It was incredibly frustrating. It was so difficult to communicate with him. The Internet was just the start for me.
I devoured everything I could find at the library , including boring, technical medical journals and dozens of books. I tracked down every Aspergers expert I could find. And during our journey, my wife and I went from knowing nothing about Aspergers and having NO idea how to help him … to becoming an expert who has been able to help him build friendships, stay organized and do well in school.
And after my months of research … I can tell you one thing for sure: You need coping strategies that work … from people who walked in your shoes day in, day out. We did not know what to do when my son had another episode. We could often see it coming — the screaming matches when he tried to play with boys his age.
About a month into summer vacation several years ago, I started to notice that Alex was getting more and more upset. Slowly, things got worse. Two months into summer vacation, my son was really bad. Unstructured time was a serious problem. Alex needed everything to be planned with no deviation to his schedule.
He became very agitated and withdrawn and starting yelling at everyone who tried to talk to him. I could see things go from bad to worse.
He had been threatening to run away from home and now he disappeared. Alex had been saying that everyone hated him. After all, he got into arguments with anyone he played with. My heart sank when he said that my wife and I hated him too. He had threatened to run away from home, then he disappeared.
We looked everywhere, we called the neighbors and I started driving around the neighborhood in my car looking for him. Just before we called the police, my wife found Alex hiding under the cabinets in the bathroom. Thank God he was safe. My son was turning into a completely different person. We were so scared for him. He was so sad.
He wanted friends but got into arguments whenever he played with them. He would say mean things to his family and friends.
He alienated so many of his classmates and the neighborhood children in just a short period of time. Every day, my son was picked on. The bullies on the playground would torment my son.
We complained to the school but MY son was the one getting in trouble. The bullies understood how to avoid getting into trouble and finally my son would hit one of them and HE would be the one who got into trouble! The only thing he wanted to do was play on his computer. He was fixated by certain games and never played with anything else.
It was so bad that we worried that he would not do his homework because it was not in his narrow scope of subjects he focused on. One day after he screamed at his brother for about an hour, I started to get really mad but not mad at him, though. I was mad that neither his teachers nor his doctor was doing anything except pretending the problem would fix itself.
My wife and I finally decided it was time for Alex to see a specialist. Of course he did not want to go. But we had to insist. But it also made me realize that he was part of the problem, not part of the solution.
We brought Alex to a therapist that a friend recommended. She met with our son and we finally got answers to some questions.
At first I was upset that there really might be something wrong with my son, but at least now I had an idea what was wrong. My quest was on to learn as much as I could to help my son. I decided to visit a library in my area to find some answers. Thankfully, I was wrong. Everyone in the library was very helpful. Neither type of book was helpful to me, so there was a huge gap in the knowledge base. I read articles, college textbooks, and similar materials. Plus, I started finding support groups.
Over the next few months, I started interviewing parents, therapists, hospital workers, social workers, and individuals that have Aspergers. I read blogs and support groups and started compiling information , making notes, and creating checklists. As I was doing all of this, my main goal was to support my loved one. I contacted support groups, conducted surveys and interviewed people.
Helping my son is so much easier these days. I only wish I had found all of this out years ago. Although my story has a positive ending, I met many people during my research whose stories were not ending well.
They were struggling to make it through each day, constantly sick with worry that something horrible would happen to their loved one before the Aspergers was brought under control. With the information I learned, I would be able to help other families overcome, and even prevent, the tremendous obstacles my son has had to conquer.
When they heard that I had done all of this research and that I was helping my son, they started asking for my help, too. That made me think. If I could have had everything in some type of report or book, then things would have been so much easier for me, my wife … even my son.
Once I got started, I realized that the same information may not be right for everyone. And because I want to help as many people as possible, I created a separate report detailing the results of my surveys of parents and professionals. This makes it difficult to get their cooperation in changing. Plus they tend to be much more argumentative, irrational, impulsive and oblivious to the risks and consequences of their actions.
Getting your loved one an effective treatment plan that leads to success in life. Take a look for yourself: The sparkling lights of the Christmas tree. The smell of fresh baked gingerbread cookies coming out of the oven.
What could be better than the holiday season? Your child with AS may have many meltdowns and behavior problems during the holidays that are hard for you and others to understand. What can you do to help minimize these problems? In this guide, I will show you how to recognize the problem areas that come from kids with AS and the holidays, and many steps you can take to prevent and resolve them. One of the best things about the Parents and Professionals Aspergers Survey is that you will receive information and interviews from people who have gone through what you are going through now.
Well, simply put, it means SOMEONE has to help your loved one with all the things they need , and all the services they are going to need to assist them with their unique issues.
That someone has got to be you. There is no one else that can do it for you. He will probably need things like speech therapy, occupational therapy, and social skills therapy. He is most likely going to need special education services from the school district. There will be the problem of how to get these services funded. You are going to have to fight for them. This might be a topic that worries you quite a bit , and frankly, from conversations I have had with young Aspergers adults, it is sometimes a topic that worries them quite a bit, too.
But it can be done. There are some hints and shortcuts, ways to get around the problems that can arise in adulthood.